Welcome to Connected Karen

Welcome to my blog! Thank you for joining me as I chronicle my journey from a human being too often separate and solitary, to a truly connected woman – who sinks into and relishes close connections in every area of her life.

This has been a long time in the making.

I have a tendency – or more of a habit I’ve developed and mastered over many years – of distancing myself from others.

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What the Egg Knows

Here’s a little factoid about the birds and the bees that’s common knowledge. I probably first learned it at some point in junior high school, but its significance was lost on me – until now. The sperm chases the egg. Not only does the sperm chase the egg, but it goes through a major obstacle course of sorts, traveling long distances through difficult terrain in vehement pursuit of one goal.

And what is the egg doing during this whole time? Even with my limited knowledge of biology I can safely say, nothing. Not a darn thing. The egg is simply being an egg, and it magically attracts.

This is nature at its finest. And it’s worked really well—for how many years, I’m really not sure, but let’s just say a gazillion.

Now, there’s a lot I can extrapolate from this and apply to my dating life and my desire to create loving connection with a beloved partner.

If I take a closer look at this tiny cell, I realize it has a big lesson to offer. The egg knows its worth, gets that it’s the prize, and stays grounded in this knowledge. Does the egg worry about being chosen, or fret trying to convince sperm how interesting or great it is? Does the egg fear a shortage of sperm or have to work at convincing a sperm cell to commit? I think not. Again, it has unshakeable faith in its value, and the sperm (a whole bunch of them) are naturally drawn to it.

If more women tapped into this God-given wisdom of the egg when looking to manifest love, games and manipulation may not be a thing of the past, but would greatly diminish. And dating, I’m convinced, would be a much more graceful process for both genders.

I don’t want to sound conceited, but there’s a new level of freedom that comes from just re-awakening to my worth as a woman — and letting go of thinking I need to do something different, something more to make myself more attractive to men. (On the flip side, a man tapping into his innate desire to be a hero, whatever that may look like, is frankly, irresistible.)

So, in summary, there’s a lot to learn from Mother Nature, and I’m thankful for awakening to this powerful lesson.

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A Silver Lining

Barbara. Troy. Ivan. These are just a few of my neighbors I met this year. In some instances, we’ve been living just yards apart for years, but never crossed paths, let alone connected on any level. And while our interactions consisted mostly of 5 or 10-minute conversations, the point is I went out of my way this year to meet folks whom I would not have previously. I stepped beyond the boundary of my attached garage and onto the common ground we share as neighbors. I liked seeing myself as the source of neighborly connection – both for myself and for others – and I know I’ll carry this forward, wherever I may live.

Reflecting on this brings a smile to my face, as connection took somewhat of a back seat for me the latter half of this year.

It seems I spent more time in hospitals and doctor’s offices than consciously focused on creating more connection in my life. Both my parents had challenging years health-wise, culminating with my Mom’s major stroke in early November. My priority has been making sure they’re getting the best care possible. While it’s been time – and energy – consuming, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In unexpected ways, perhaps, I’ve been creating lots of connection with doctors, nurses, and therapists, so there’s a silver lining to this.

My challenge for this coming new year is to continue building on the personal connection goals I set forth at the beginning of 2014. Looking forward to seeing what unfolds. My very best wishes to you for a healthy, joyous, and well connected New Year!

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Not My Fate

There’s no place like home, as the saying goes, so, it naturally follows that one’s living space can be an ideal environment in which to create lots of connection.

I recently took an inventory of my home to see how well it supported my intention of creating greater connection in my life. While there were a number of things I felt I was doing well (I had plenty of plates, glasses, and utensils – and several guest towels, too), not unexpectedly, I also found some areas that could use attention.

Here are a few things I discovered that were unconsciously supporting my habits around disconnection:

• I had placed items (mail, books, my computer) on every chair of my dining room table except one, leaving room for only one person to sit – me.

• I purchased a sofa bed several years ago for a possible overnight guest, but never bothered to acquire any sheets.

• I was keeping my place “just untidy” enough to keep others away and to discourage invitations to visit – not wanting to put the time and energy into cleaning myself nor commit to a house-cleaning service on a regular basis.

Was I surprised? Not really. I was taken back more by something deeper than what I saw – how some things that were previously obscured can be so obvious once brought into my conscious awareness.

My favorite quote around this goes like this: “That which remains unconscious appears as fate.” – Carl Jung (according to my sources)

I hope you enjoy pondering this quote as much as I have.

As for me, I’ve happily made changes to my home environment. In fact, I’ve got to go get ready. I’m expecting some guests tonight.

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Disconnection 101

It dawned on me the other day that I would be really good at giving instruction in something I would never want to teach.

If for some crazy reason I was enlisted to teach someone how to be disconnected – to give lessons on keeping their distance from others – I could put the curriculum together in a snap. In Disconnection 101, I would simply tell them to think a lot of the same thoughts and follow a lot of the same routines I had – notice the use of the past tense – for years. These include:

Wait for others to call/email/text you with invitations – be it for a meal, a movie, a party, you name it. Behind every invitation, there’s someone extending and someone receiving. Avoid the former. After all, if others wanted to be in connection with you, and enjoy the pleasure of your company, they would surely reach out.

Focus on what you don’t have in common with friends and family members so you feel justified about keeping your distance. Remind yourself that you’re a different person than you were years ago and that you’ve simply just “grown apart” from many of them. (While they’ve remained the same.)

Live alone. Don’t get a dog. Dodge your neighbors. The occasional obligatory smile and wave is fine, but don’t strike up a conversation about their son who just left for college or the new farm to plate restaurant that opened up across the street. And by all means, don’t invite them over for a meal. What are you thinking?

Remember some of those words you use to describe yourself, like shy or introverted – those labels that often developed in childhood and have continued for years? Well, you’ll want to continue to self-identify with them. Give them lots of meaning to support you in remaining disengaged from others. These labels can be your best friends, so keep them in your back pocket at all times.

Limit sharing and risking in interpersonal conversation. When you share what you like / don’t like or your personal beliefs about a topic, you risk judgment and rejection. On the flip side, if you suppress your thoughts and feelings, it’s much more difficult for someone to get close to you – the real you.

Can you relate to any of these? If so, I invite you to join with me on the journey to making them part of your past.

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My Superpower

Just for fun, several months back my friend Vanessa and I decided to hold a contest. We agreed to challenge each other to see who could go on the most dates before Valentine’s Day. It was meant as a fun way to motivate each other since we both desired to start a new relationship.

Now, we both were doing the online dating thing, and I assumed that most of our dates for this competition would come from this method. That’s why I was completely taken back when Vanessa said she was going to de-activate her online membership.

“I think it’ll be more challenging to meet guys in real life,” she said. More challenging? Now that’s an understatement I thought to myself. I froze for a moment just considering how I might take on such a thing. I so rarely meet single, available men in real life anymore, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Well, that was several months ago, and I’m happy to report that things have changed. I’ve since read Getting to “I Do,” by Dr. Pat Allen and Sandra Harmon (the book referenced in my Jan. 6 post, The Gaze).

I’ve been practicing the five-second flirting technique mentioned in that book — making eye contact for five seconds with single men I find attractive, combining that with a smile, and voila! I feel like I have this magical power that I never knew about.

Every man I’ve practiced this with (granted only three so far, but counting), has approached me and started a conversation. Now, I may have discovered once we started talking that we had very little in common, but that’s beside the point, right? For now, I get to keep practicing, and having fun in the process. Who knows? Next time could be the genesis of an amazing connection.

For all you single ladies, hear me out – this technique works! Take note of what I’ve found to be an untapped superpower, bring to life this dormant potential within, and take pleasure in practicing.

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Second Date

Sometimes I feel like a really bad dater. Now that I’ve re-focused my intention in 2014 on relationships, I’m meeting plenty of men (many through online dating). It’s my second date percentage that’s rather atrocious. It’s not because I’m not being asked out again (well, more often than not, but certainly not every time – I believe in total authenticity, after all), but because I regularly turn down these requests.

“I really don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you all the best,” is an oft-repeated phrase from me. What’s wrong with these men? It’s not that they were terribly rude, used foul language, or left for a smoke break in the middle of our first date. Rather, I rejected them because, in my mind, I didn’t feel enough of a connection.

Now, as a woman, I know that connection can grow over time (it has for me in the past). So why do I often shut the door after a one-hour meeting at Starbucks? I’m really sensitive about leading a guy on if I’m not really attracted to him. I think this goes back to the whole authenticity thing. But maybe, just maybe, I’m being a little premature?

Enter a Valentine’s Day article in The Orange County Register about the topic of love, called “The science of love: it’s really about your brain.” The article cites numerous statistics related to love and romance. Here’s the one that really caught my eye:

Long-term couples who claim to have fallen in love at first sight: 11%

(Now, I’m not sure if this figure represented the initial feelings of just one or both partners, but, the point is, that’s low – a lot lower, in fact, than I would have expected.) This means only one in 10 people (or slightly more to be exact) had butterflies in their stomach, dilated pupils, and a rapid heartbeat when meeting their future partner for the first time.

Eighty-nine percent of people (or couples) didn’t! For these folks, the connection obviously grew over time. My takeaway from all of this? Unless a man actually does one of those things referenced earlier in this blog, say yes to a second date . . . and maybe even a third.

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A Blank Canvas

Last night was one of those rare nights when I just couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning, unable to relax my mind and body enough to drift off. Inevitably, I started assessing how far I’ve come on my journey to connectedness – almost a month now into the new year.

Suffice it to say, I’m just grateful for the eleven months I have left.

I seem to be continuing a lot of the same habits and routines I’ve had for years. It’s the endless “doing” (the errand running, grocery shopping, bill paying, house cleaning, appointment making and keeping) that really gets me. These things seem to comprise much of my free time and leave connecting with others and building relationships on the back burner. At least that’s been one of my excuses as to where my energy goes.

How can I expect to create anything different when I keep doing (and not doing) the same things? I’m reminded of that famous saying about what doing the same thing but expecting a different result leads to.

So, rather than go down that path, around 3 a.m., I got to thinking about a blank canvas and how this could represent connection in my life. It’s a blank canvas that I get to cut, color, and texturize any way I like. But, it’ll stay the same (look and feel no different) if I keep showing up the same way. With this analogy in mind, I’m like a child at play.

One of my favorite pastimes to engage in with others is playing board games. How many game nights would I like to host at my place? How do I want to adorn this part of my canvas? I figured two or three a year would be fantastic. And all different types of games, I’ll mix it up each time.

I love weekend getaways (to places like Santa Barbara for nature and Las Vegas for the concerts and shows) but seem to rarely do them. Hmmm, what do I want this corner of my canvas to look like? Again, I figure three times a year with family or friends would create some very memorable connection in my life.

There’s more, but I think you get the picture. My canvas is really taking shape – becoming a unique work of art. Now I get to create the space to have these experiences in the midst of all my “doing.” This’ll take some conscious adjustment on my part – I just hope this doesn’t keep me up at night.

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